	************* The Official Valpuri FAQ *************
 
  	  Written and maintained by PMGR Perttu Luukko

	****************************************************	

Q:Does Valpuri exist?

A:Sure.


Q:What the hell does PMGR stand for anyway?

A:Latin, my dear friend, Pontifex Maximus Grandis Ranae, 
  Highest Priest Of The Great Frog.


Q:Why the word "god" is written in lowercase when meaning Valpuri?

A:Because a certain religious faction has already copyrighted the capitalized version, 
  causing a lot of grief among other religions. Because God(tm) is already copyrighted, 
  we intend to trademark the fully capitalized "GOD" to Valpuri.


Q:Why Valpuri doesn't have any only sons?  

A:Because Valpuri doesn't want to give someone The Ultimate Power Overwhelming as
  a gift for his/her 18th birthday. Besides, Valpuri hasn't got any perversions about
  mating with mortal 14 year-old nazarethian girls etc.


Q:If Valpuri is a god, why there is so much evil in the world?

A:Evil started as a parse error in the Cosmic Source Code, the error took the form of
  Bill Gates, the Destroyer of Worlds, who then infested the world with pain and misery.
  (See "Creation story" for more info.)


Q:What is the meaning of life?

A:The meaning os life is to oppose the evil, that defiles the Cosmic Source Code.  



Q:Is Steve Ballmer now worse than Bill Gates?

A:The Evil consists in several forms, my child. 



Q:Is there an afterlife?

A:Yes, when the hourglass of temporality has gone out, Valpuri grabs the pious and saves 
  them to the Cosmic Datafile, and then they can celebrate in the millions of universes to
  come. But the wicked he throws to the Galactic dev/Null.


Q:How large is Valpuri?

A:It changes, usually about nine times the size of the universe.


Q:How large is the Valpurian community?

A:See the Valpurian Database for accurate details.


Q:I'm a fundamentalist Valpurian, and the bloody <anynymous competitive religion> 
  are really getting on my nerve! What should i do o'great PMGR?

A:Burn some, it helps every time ;)


Q:Why did Valpuri, the great maker, create this world?

A: The world is actually a large random-number generator, as the laws of thermophysics show.


Q:Why doesn't Valpuri sink to the Sea of Eternity?

A:He can swim... :) LoL


Q:How can I get to trance without drugs?

A:Pray for Valpuri. Drink lots of Coke. Listen Josh Wink's "Higher State of Consciousness",
  or as Chairman Sheng-ji Yang might say "Remember, enlightenment is a function of 
  willpower, not of physical strength."


Q:How can I punishment myself enough, I just replaced Linux with Windows 2000. Or is
  afterlife out of my rech forever?!?

A:It is not yet too late, my child, remove Windoze immediately and reinstall Linux, then you
  must meditate and pray Valpuri for a week unprotected and naked in a remote desert or
  similar area, and wish for Valpuri to save your soul from eternal darkness. A monetary
  donation to ICHFV will also help.


Q:My sister thinks I am weird, what should I do?

A:Convert her.


Q:I just removed Windows-keys from my keyboard, then I replaced them with
  pictures of frogs. I'm now afraid of Microsoft's personal SWAT enforcement team.
  Does Valpuri protect me?

A:Valpuri might be busy protecting me or someone else at the time. If you want, you
  can seek shelter in the ICHFV safe home.


Q:I'm afraid of Bills fork-bomb. What should I do? (I have played xbill quite much)

A:Do not worry, as long as you are protected by the holy OS Linux, Bill cannot harm
  you, but if you still use winspazz, he can download and edit your soul any time.


Q:Is it really true, that such great god as Valpuri did mistake in the
  Cosmic Source Code?

A:As any C-guru might tell you, parse errors generate from chaotic quantum displacements,
  regardless of the coder.


Q:How can I join this great religion?

A:Download the application form, fill it, and post it to me.


Q:What shape is the universe?

A:The universe is flat, because it is easier to carry that way. Valpuri is wise isn't He?


Q:How old is Valpuri?

A:Valpuri is eternal and timeless.


Q:Will Valpuri die?

A:Of course not (silly question...).


Q:Can the Great Frog get angry with me if I ask stupid questions?

A:No, but *I* might >8(


Q:I have made pirate copies from Windows, what should I do?

A:Hide from mickeysaft's Windows-integrated Hunter-Seeker Algorithm quickly.


Q:I once had a chance to kill Bill Gates, I didn't. Am I a bad person now?

A:I don't think that *you* are able to kill him, maybe you can destroy his mortal form
  but he well return with a even more wicked OS to torture us.


Q: I am a pious Valpurist. How can I become a saint?

A: Prove me, PMGR, your piousness by dedicating your life for Valpuri. 


Q: How are things in Valpurian hell?

A: All the same, pain, misery, torture, endless swedish-lessons, only old 486/66's 
   with memory-resident virusscans, only mousepads for food...


Q: I am a happy ilomantsian boy from Ilomantsi. Can you send me the Cosmic Source Code, 
   please? P.S. what program Valpuri used to make the Universe?

A: The CSC is not currently freely distributable, Valpuri used his own superior 
   compiler, but i'm sure it'll compile on DJGPP. 


Q: How does your church fund itself? Do you take taxes?

A: We can survive without earthly money with our Asctetic Virtues. 
   We do not take taxes, yet $-)


Q: Can the PMGR die?

A: I don't want to try.


Q:Can you cheat sshd with telnet?

A:Of course I can.


Q:How can I order fep-valpuri-cd? 

A:Call 1-8000-VALPURI.


Q:I have succesfully hacked to www.microsoft.com and downloaded Windows 2000
  source code. Now I have made a linux port of Windows 2000. Do you think,
  that I am sick person?

A:You sick bastard! 8-¤


Q: I hate you!

A: I love you too.


Q: I was just wondering why people sleep. Is it because there are so much
   data in world, that Valpuri-PC just can't handle it all in same
   time, and for creating something like "seasons" Valpuri makes half of
   the world sleep?

A: An interesting theory, might be, though i wouldn't doubt Valpuri-PC's
   overwhelming speed...


Q: Why oh why can't Valpuri just destroy Bill Gates and make our life
   easier? It just is so sad to see how some weak minded people get locked
   into forewer loop of scary nightmares.

A: Valpuri only cares to save the souls of the pious (us), and don't you see
   the first seeds of war begin to appear in the form of Linux.  


Q: How will I know if I am doing as Valpuri wants, and going in the
   direction that he wants me to go?

A: You will feel Valpuri's presence in your soul if you do, or feel his wrath if
    you don't.


Q: Does Valpuri have an email address?

A: You might want to try valpurisammakko@hotmail.com, though he doesn't have 
   the time to check it very often. 


Q: Is it rational to believe in that Valpuri created us (as opposed to
   evolution) in today's scientific world?

A: Valpuri created the universe, not us. After that he used a highly sophisticated
   script language called "evolution"  


Last modified 4.6.2 A.F. or January 25th 2000 A.D.
